Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that carrots help you see in the dark - that is crap! After 5 minutes of walking into stuff, I switched back to using a light.

   Hey there automatic flushing toilet. I love your enthusiasm but ummm..... I wasn't finished yet.

   I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.

   Lets just call him He-Who-Will-Not-Be-Laid.

   It is so hot here ( How hot is it ) . It's so hot while I was mowing grass I saw Satan laying under a tree begging for an IV ..

   I didn't realize this pizza delivery tracker app had a "I dropped your pizza but scooped it back up and placed it in the box" indicator.

   We've reached that unfortunate time of the year when all the white guys put on their Hawaiian shirts and think they're Jimmy Buffet!

   Having dinner with my phone and some people.

   just seen on news a midget got pickpocketed, how could anyone stoop so low?

   All I want is for someone to pretend to love me for who I am, then gradually change me over a period of several years until we both hate me.

   Its Soo Hot....The Jehovah Witnesses ain't even out today.

   I'm proud to announce that my wife and I are expecting a bacon.

   Attention all people who still have pics of their ex-lovers in their albums. Please get rid of that sh!t and move on. Thank you.

   When I was young I thought the Nobel prize was something they gave you at Noble Roman's pizza.

   Magic Mike has the makings to be this generations Show Girls...just sayin

   When my doctor is checking my balls for a physical I run my fingers through her hair. Makes it less embarrassing...

   I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

   Graduations, Engagements, Babies…I don't understand why I'm obligated to get you a gift for YOUR bad decisions?

   The more “normal” you try to be, the less interesting people like myself will find you.

   My Bucket List: 1. Never Pay Taxes 2. Avoid Jail That's all I got so far.