Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think I've ever seen a Mexican midget. I bet they're all just having a hard time making it over the fence

   Has anyone found a better cure for loneliness than vodka? Yeah, didn't think so.

   A girl just showed her boobs to a bouncer to get a keychain. I took it from her b/c she was sloppy drunk. Is this what pimping feels like?

   Dumb girls....... Quit trying to look like us in photos, it's embarrassing to our species. Sincerely, Ducks.

   Put your money where your mouth is and suffocate yourself with your money.

   If I had one wish, I wish my pen!s could cure cancer, if taken orally.

   Disappointed with the lack of boobs on Twitter, I'm going back to Facebook.

   If Kim Kardashian was the answer...... the question must have been reeeeeally stupid.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   It took 100 years for Congress to make the 4th of July an official holiday. (The same amount of time it takes them to do anything now!)

   An "ex" is like jail, if you keep going back then it shows you still haven't learnt a lesson.

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   Dear americans, as you celebrate your independence just know you are the greatest country in term of human weight and obesity.

   Happy Independence Day! And make sure you stick a feather in your hat and call it macaroni! Because that makes total sense!!!

   Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"

   Why are there no black fireworks?

   I will say, Have a fun and safe 4th. But I refuse to celebrate our Independence! Our fore fathers are turning over in their graves. Instead of gaining freedom we have lost and continue to lose freedoms every day.

   I no longer say 'YOLO', my philosophy is "LIVIN' LIKE LARRY!"

   My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory

   I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn't a very good one.