Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish every chick with STD'S had "6 fingers" i'd be like "Let me see ya hands, Biatch you ain't slick trying hide that extra pinky"

   This day needs a Vodka filled tsunami.

   I was sooo legit, that I quit.

   Please do me a solid and don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and extremely hard to light. -- The Janitor

   You mat say one you go black you can't come back...but if you stick with good credit you won't regret it!!

   Once you go black I won't know if it's in either.

   Its only when you get to know some of these people who smoke that you realise that Cancer can sometimes be a solution not a problem.

   If loving you is wrong, I have probably loved you.

   Ladies; When a guy says he "just wants to be friends" he means with your v@gina.

   "Ugh, guys, I'm so hungover...wait, we declared what last night?!" --July 5th, 1776.

   Bushes make me nervous. I always worry a naked man will emerge from one asking for toilet paper.

   My D + Your V = Good Times

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   Girlfriend wanted to go skinny dipping. I said your not skinny enough to be dipping. And that's how the fight started.

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   I'm available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   The Internet. All of the piracy, none of the scurvy.

   If I say, "yeah...totally" when you're telling a story, there's an 80% chance I stopped listening and just want it to end.

   Dear Crush, If your "shower brb" was intended to make me imagine you naked.. Mission accomplished!"