Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Another day, Another dollar" -Some loser who only makes $365 a year

   I'm so hilarious I even smell funny.

   How you can tell if a person is Irish: a fly lands in their pint of beer. They grab the fly and start shaking it over their beer yelling "Spit it out ya bastard, spit it out!"

   Best Buy just announced plans to lay off 600 Geek Squad employees. In response, Geek Squad employees were like, “Phew, good thing I already live with my parents.”

   There isn't enough make-up in the world to cover-up crazy!!!

   I'm 38 and I have no clue what AM or PM stands for. Nice job, public school system!

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   If you don't remember pushing "6" three times to get the letter "O", you're too young for me to text with.

   I rather have an enemy who admits they hate me, instead of a friend who secretly put me down.

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   I wonder how each of you guys look?

   Only trust people who like big butts... they cannot lie.

   What do you call it when 2 guys fight over a slut? Tug-of-whor

   Pintervention: When an intervention is needed to drag your sig. other or friend off of Pintrest.

   Summer where all the days run into each other and every day is a saturday night!

   If you told me 100% of serial killers were "morning people" I'd believe you.

   They're relea$ing two $eparate film$ ba$ed on the 3rd book in the'Hunger Game$' trilogy. I'm $hocked. Totally $urpri$ing.

   Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.

   Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.