Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Looking at your textbooks and thinking, "What a waste of a tree".

   Remember me? I was your friend when you were single.

   I sleep less, I'm tired. I sleep more, I'm tired. Life is impossible.

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   I told my wife .. if she ever wanted to try anal sex, I'd be behind her all the way

   Screw Olmpic soccer. If I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 mins I'd go watch old security tapes of me sitting at the bar.

   It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.

   You ever get that feeling the case of beer is gonna rip and cans go everywhere? Well that just happened to me..

   Why doesn't Mitt's wife want to be the first lady? Because she would have to move into a smaller house

   Trying to take something out of the oven without burning myself is like playing adult Operation.

   What is the Beach Boys song Kokomo about?

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

   So I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex. She told me she had been having sex with an A-Hole for years.

   Every night for almost two weeks I have tuned in to watch the XXX Summer Olympic Games and I must say that I'm disappointed. I have yet to see anything that should be rated R let alone XXX.

   Dear Public Restrooms, Please loosen the spindle for your TP. NOONE likes wiping their a$$ with a handful of confetti! Sincerely, Gotta Poop!

   A good friend knows how you take your coffee. A great friend adds booze.

   Do midget farts smell half as bad?

   I told you I'm busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the 50 tweets I p0sted in the last hour?

   When a man orders salad and wine at dinner, I order a huge steak and a beer, because someone has to show him how not to be a pu$$y.

   I hate it when I am flirting with a hot girl and the fat girl between us thinks I am flirting with her fat ass.