Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   Im actually going as Gary Johnson this year and protecting the children from kidnappers and bringing joy back to halloween

   Oh, when I'm at work I wear my phone on my belt and I am a douche, When Batman does it, Its a bada55 utility belt... Double Standards.

   I'm going as a undecided voter this year.I'm going to be the one to pick out everyone's candy for the next 4 years.my candy choice will be made on little facts and zero intellectual reasons,leaving everyone to have terrible candy for 4 years.

   No officer my speech isn't slurred, i'm just talking in cursive.

   whaa? Today's not Saturday?? Guess I better stop drinking and get to work, then!

   my moral compass is whichever direction my d ick points

   Door shoppoing is harder than I thought. They all have knobs in the glory hole...

   this year, I'm giving out pizza delivery coupons. Who wouldn't want a free 2 liter or 2 mediums for the price of one??

   I just watched a video of a guy getting his nuts cut off. I can't believe I did that. Why do I even still have my wedding video, anyway?

   I was at Home Depot looking to get a doorknob so I asked a girl to help me. She said she was a "knob specialist" and now I'm with security.

   "who are you?" --- "Im fine!"

   Life is like a carpet. Family and friends will always walk over you, and when you get dirty, the ones that clean you up.....are the people that truly care for you.

   I have seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.

   I hate this place, as soon as I find my clothes, I am leaving.

   All your depressing status es are cheering me up. Thanks, ...Keep it up.

   Whenever I return a book to the library,,, I leave a bookmark on the last page & yell "SORRY, I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO REWIND IT!" then run away..