Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My latest superpower is waking up one minute before my alarm goes off..... It's actually a very stupid superpower.

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   My favorite thing about Basketball is when it's Football.

   When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb

   I wish I could participate in The Hunger Games against everyone I unfriended on Facebook!

   never ever going to drink again! That was 8 hours ago!! Cheers :)

   Sunday, my day of rest...Rest of the leftover booze!!!!

   As I lie here on my hungover bed of death, I shall re-evaluate my life and consider sobriety ...Tomorrow: repeat

   It's funny, the only time we can express our feelings is in a quote, and then we post it to complete strangers, at least they understand.

   Sunday, my day of rest!! Rest of the laundry, rest of the dusting, rest of the ....

   Speak English, kiss French, drive German, dress Italian, spend Arab, party Caribbean.

   My brother was born with Down's Syndrome. His teachers said he'd never amount to anything. Today he is an NFL referee.

   Taylor Swift is the new relationship advice columnist for Seventeen magazine. That's like trying to cure aids with more aids.

   Lets take a moment and be thankful....for yoga pants.

   When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That's why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.

   The grass is greener on the other side because my neighbors are Mexican

   You wonder why guys keep leaving you? Maybe it's because you put out before they even tell you their name.

   i feel bad when I see a lonely old person at the bus stop... but then I remember how those a$$holes drive.

   i wish my bottle of vodka could cuddle back :/

   If I win $425 Million next Wednesday, what do you want for Christmas?