Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a child I used to say, "When I grow up I want to be a millionaire" Well I grew up and the rest is history, now all I say is, "When I die, I want to go to heaven" Hope that actually happens.

   You know a girl has been recently dumped when she post stuff like, “I don't need any love from any man. I only need to love and be loved by ONE man. He is the Son of God, JESUS!”

   Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.

   What's the situation with Kony in 2013? Do we still hate the guy?

   Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.

   Remember that things always get worse before they get better. Unless, you know, you die in the process of it getting worse.

   Serious question: do the Kardashians breed like humans or do they lay eggs?

   I love myself but I'm not "post pictures of myself everyday on my Facebook wall" love myself.

   Just listened to an Adele song and now I'm eating ice cream and surrounded by 9 cats.

   Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.

   Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"

   I want to have kids one day but what If I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I can't take that risk.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   Yoda only one for me

   262 million people have been killed by governments this century. If you believe your chances of being shot by an American citizen is greater than being killed by a dictator that has disarmed the public...you're sadly mistaken!!!

   kids at the front door selling drugs!!!! I got 3 boxes of thin mints coming!

   I cheer in all directions rather than limiting myself to just "up"

   I told my hillbilly neighbor over and over, "You CAN'T go on someone's facebook page who lives in another country and type 'Dang foreigner!' in the comment box!"