Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I don't want my wife to find something, I just put it in her purse.

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   A girl was smiling and running with excitement towards me and at that moment, I knew…there was a clearance sale in the shoe store behind me.

   You're married and that's great but just so ya know I'm more jealous of the bachelor down the street who has no kids and own's three dogs."

   Even if you are surrounded by stupid insane people ,atleast you come to know how to refrain yourself from that ingredient needed to be the same. So ironically you should respect yourself :-P

   Stop advertising your relationship on Facebook not everyone wants to see you happy.

   Ugh, still writing 2012 on my death threats.

   Today's relationships can be ended by a simple "Like" on Facebook.

   If you held up 11 roses into a mirror, you'd be looking at 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

   You don't call it stalking; you call it solving a problem.

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   I can tell how spicy a dish is just by tasting it...

   OMG Scandal is on tonight!!! No not the show on ABC about some crazy government plot theories with every twist and turns......Just another senate meeting about guns and busted

   I like reverse cowgirl because she can't see me tweeting and updating my Facebook status.

   You take the Kennedy assassination + That Clinton and Lewinsky thing + A pretty boss lady with small, slutty tendencies and BAM...You got a show on ABC called Scandal.

   You can't beat a beautiful woman who sings, well, uh, unless you're Chris Brown

   "It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive plastic version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung." ~Conan O'Brien.

   any one else creeped out when a grown, single man posts pictures of his dogs all the time??

   "Nobody move!" -- the name of my stationary store