Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love somebody... Let them go. If they come back, no one wanted them

   Girl I would strap 45 lb plates to my ball sack and swim up the Amazon river with Rosie O'Donnell's queef as my air supply to prove my value to you.

   its Friday so you know what that means. I'm busy memorizing my spontaneous, sassy banter I'll use at the bar tonight!!

   My wife keeps tapping on the window saying..."look, it's snowing"....if she keeps it up, I suppose am gonna have to let her in.....!!

   I have a confession to make! Back in 1985 I... Wait a minute, get me Oprah!

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   I once dated a girl with a parot, the thing was crazy and never shut up, the parot was cool though....

   A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   Kleenex Diem! Sneeze the day!

   My wife said, "I'm leaving you because you always blame everyone else when things go wrong." I said, "And who's fault is that...?"

   My boss asked me today which one of us was the stupid one. I told him everyone knows that you dont hire stupid people.

   I wish Taylor Swift would write a song called "Maybe I'm the Problem"

   Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!

   Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.

   "Noooo, I dont do that!!"....are words that wont get a woman a marriage proposal!!!

   the taste of you that lingers in my mouth makes me sick every morning

   whenever I start to feel adventurous and spontaneous, my bank account tells me to calm the hell down

   relationships are a lot like algebra. have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

   being with someone who treats you like dirt really makes you appreciate someone who treats you like a goddess