Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?

   Just call him "Pollard the Patriot killer"

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   I'm confused,, I just got a Chinese lantern with the label "Warning: For outdoors and indoors use only".

   My teleporter’s broken, I've lost my superpowers, and my sidekick is out of town. Only one last hope for humanity: Must... get.... the... cork... out... of... this... wine.... bottle.....

   My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   Marriage. Because your day doesn't have to end at work

   Tried to kill a spider with deodorant. He's still alive, but he smells great.

   would probably be classified as a lesbian if it was only based on how much you enjoy eating muffins and cookies.

   Jupiter's gravitational pull is so strong that we use it to help thrust our probes deeper into space...

   adding "euro" before any word immediately makes it sound g ay!

   Ladies... If you want guys at the bar to leave you alone don't tell them you have a boyfriend cause men don't care about that. Tell them you have a þénís.

   studies show that only 1% of heart attacks are caused by physical intimacy, but 70% of that number is through extramarital situations, usually when someone yells "honey,i'm home"

   I don't think Lance Armstrong's missing ball was ever real... I heard it and Manti Te'o's girlfriend were recently seen on vacation together in Mexico...

   Ladies; Beware of sensitive poetry and inspirational-stuff-writing guys. In my experience they cry after sex, ramble about rainbows and deer and insist that you cuddle.

   People at work often call me a miracle worker because its a miracle getting me to do some work.

   I'm just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.

   I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.