Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you listen to your heart please see a doctor cause it isn't normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you.

   I just saw a caveman today. Okay fine, I saw a guy who was sitting on a bench reading a book. Same thing to me.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   I don’t always drink beer, but when I do it’s because I’m thirsty.

   The cure for premature ejaculation is coming soon.

   I'm black... but not "really good at basketball black."

   Bartender! There’s ice in my vodka. What is this, kindergarten?

   Daries Allani ‏@Dallani She had to kiss a lot of frogs before she found her Prince Charming... ...and by "kiss" I mean "blow" ...and by "frogs" I mean "black guys"

   I saw a nail hole in the bathroom and quickly realized I was in an Asian gloryhole.

   Welcome to San Francisco, where the weather is nice and the people are gay!

   I got a pet wussy. LIKE if you read that wrong.

   Extreme couponers are just hoarders in disguise

   I wish ovens had a pizza button just like the microwave has a popcorn button

   So he's not lame? I think you're both lame!

   If Dane Cook is lame, why do you follow him on Twitter?

   Dan Marino's Love Child: There were no DNA tests. This came about when the mom saw the kid throw her bottle across the room in a perfect spiral hitting her dead center in the face every time.

   If you can't sleep try counting scary sounds your house is making.

   Ron Jeremy has got to be disappointed in the nurses he’s seeing.

   prison ain't called the pokey for nothin you know

   i once "accidently" dropped a paper cup full of dish washing detergent into the fountain at a botanical garden... quite interesting watching the outcome