Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After sex I enjoy a big glass of get the fu-ck out of my house.

   In group discussions, chicks with big boobs always seem to say the right things.

   My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.

   If you're single and you know it hug your cat!

   If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.

   This guy doesn't appreciate me following him around with a barcode scanner but he should've thought of that before he got that stupid tattoo

   So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.

   "Excuse me sir. Have you seem my pants?"

   There's nothing louder than a guy who's losing at something.

   I love when people dig their own grave. It saves me so much time.

   The only thing I’ve ever passed is out.

   Confidence, arrogance, ignorance. These are all close cousins, beware.

   I work out. Just kidding, I take naps.

   blocking ex's and their ugly gf's on fb feels so good

   You never really forgive the friend who tricked you int0 watching "2 Girls 1 Cup".

   I tried ordering one of Justin Bieber's CDs for my niece's birthday on Amazon. Amazon said "costumers who bought this also bought a rope and a stool."

   Just because I pet your dog doesn't mean I want to talk to you, get over yourself smoking hot girl!

   Amazing how you can be first and everything and then last and nothing.....all with a blink of an eye..I hate video games!!

   I don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his crap & be fine & then they eat half a candy bar & die.

   According to a recent study, cockroaches can resist radiation, extreme temperatures, the apocalypse and 6 hours of Justin Bieber songs.