Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   I might care about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it...

   So there are teenagers out there that have unprotected sex, but yet have cases on their phones. Just let that sink in for a minute....

   International Women’s Day……Cause it’s not like you want attention on any other day…

   Knowing its International Women’s Day is the only thing I know about women.

   I'm so selfish for complaining about being sick with the flu for 5 days now. Just saw Justin Bieber collapsed. Horrifying...

   Oh Yeah we do it on the bed, on the couch, in the bathroom, standing up, and even in the car! Yep We Loooovvveee to Text!:)

   What's the difference between a Rottweiler and an insane ex? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go."

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   Looks like I got 2 more of those pesky drones last night in the bug whacker.....

   If you ever think you're ugly just remember it's because you are.

   Congratulations on your ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I've told you a million times...don't exaggerate.

   Top 4 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs. 4. Skinny jeans

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.

   Top 3 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs.

   Tesco Quarter Pounders: The new affordable way to buy your daughter the pony she's always wanted !!!!

   Happy International Women's Day :) Now go make me a sandwich, cause it ain't going to make it self. Chop Chop :)

   In Florida where you literally get a grave built-in to your house...

   What is up with all these Government drones? I can't even fly a freaking kite anymore.