Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man talking with his friend: "My wife died yesterday, I'm trying to cry but tears are not coming out, what should I do?" Friend: "That's simple. Just imagine she is coming back."

   A dental assistant is nothing more than a dentist's roadie

   You can never read a doctor's prescription, but you can sure read his bill

   Apparently every time I smoke a cigarette in the house my three-year-old son also smokes one. The crafty little kid.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Time to start pro-caffeinating before I start procrastinating for the day.

   I'm thinking I've swung back to hating everyone. Phew glad I'm over that selective phase I had there.

   If you don't believe in same sex marrriage, don't marry someone of the same sex! It's simple! As for Gay adoption hurting Children? Since when is it better to be an orphan then to have two mommies? -_-

   When dropping off prescriptions for two people with the same name...make sure the dates of birth are correct. Apparently my 12 year old is on Blood Presure meds now...

   After having sex with a lady the polite thing to say is "It was nice to meat you."

   Prostitutes are buysexual

   Uh Oh...just what we need, a Pope with a Foot Fetish

   Sitting at my daughter's pretend restaurant.... The service is horrible here and the prices are outrageous.

   Daily Random 'F*ck You': To those people that get a puppy or kitten because they're so cute but then get rid of them when they grow into adult animals, F*CK YOU!

   Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.

   I love when you say something that is just dripping with sarcasm and people still can't figure it out.

   People that tell me they never use dirty words must be boring as hell in the bedroom. What do they scream? "Touch my no-no and make me squish-squish?"

   ~ Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls ≧◔◡◔≦ EEeeeeeee ~

   Most gay couples don't have children of their own. You can't really cabby legitimately use that to argue your homophobic argument.

   Nothing tells your friends you've made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.