Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I'll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark

   HE HAS RISEN (and before 10 am which is pretty good for me)

   Most popular words spoken by a Pastor today..."Wow ...I haven't seen you since last Easter "

   "Today its Sunday" Forward this to 15 friends,.. within 7 days you"ll get another Sunday. it really works... One of my friends ignored it and he got Monday within 24 hours

   I've been writing bad Czechs, encouraging them to do better.

   war machines will cause the destruction of man. Not a comet. I wonder what the next species that inhabits the Earth will discuss while filling their vehicles with the fossil fuels derived from the remains of extinct humans.

   Today is another dsy where people get religious om Facebook but live like heathens most all the other time...

   imagine how hard life would be if we weren't water proof

   So what happened this morning, did Jesus see his shadow or not?

   March Madness??? Heck, I'm Crazy All Year!!!

   How she gonna wake up and not love me no more? I thought I was the ass-hole in this relationship, I guess its rubbing off.

   How many times do you need the same person to piss in your mouth before you figure out urine doesn’t taste good?

   Men don't grow up, they just hide their stupidity.

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   I'm not big into Easter traditions, but I'm pretty sure drunkenly searching for an Egg McMuffin at this hour counts as Easter egg hunting.

   How do you say Tony Romo in Spanish? .........Mark Sanchez

   Nothing can ruin my day like cashiers When they tell me “have a good day”.

   Human beings are the plague of this planet!!

   It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...

   My son's Parrot just tweeted about his current living conditions!