Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m looking for a new personal trainer, the last one didn’t work out.

   If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I dammit.

   My tombstone will probably say, "Dead, but finally sober".

   I can't believe North Korea are now threatening Japan with nukes. They're still squinting from the last two.

   Just had an idea for a musical - How do you solve a problem like Korea...

   hey Golf Channel, instead of yapping about golf for 4 hours, how about showing some actual golf??

   A-Rod, Kobe and Tiger ... perhaps the three most arrogant athletes of our time ... all had pretty bad Fridays.

   If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   I hate it when I am hosting a pool party at my neighbors' house and they come home early from their vacation.

   A relationship that’s needs to be validated and reinforced by being constantly paraded on Facebook for the whole world to see is a desperate relationship that will not last.

   If you don't like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally take a $hit all by themselves.

   On Friday nights I visit a club so exclusive nobody else knows it exists. It looks bizarrely like my living room & needs new cleaning staff.

   Fellas; Sometimes women say they're fine because they know that's all you really want to hear.

   I'd rather shave my crotch with an AIDS infested razor I got from a hobo than befriend your dog on Facebook.

   I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.

   There would be peace throughout the world if they gave away free chocolate with every tampon purchase.

   I go to the gym once a week, but I don't have to go inside. I get all my exercise walking to the ice cream shop next door.

   You're never more beautiful than when you're looking up at me with my co*k in your mouth.

   My relationship with pizza is the only relationship that has never failed me.