Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor's office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right

   When I die, the best tombstone I can hope for is "He was an ass hole, but he was a funny ass hole."

   All cheaters need to come with a warning sign. Like once you cheat your hair turns lime green so people know what you are all about.

   They say good things come to those who wait. But I been waiting for this b*tch to leave my house n she still here lounging.

   The snippy little nurse told me to piss in a cup. So I told her to go fart in a jar. And the fight was on.

   Whenever my children question my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that their mother is older than the Internet.

   I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.

   How does a Kardashian change a light bulb? They buy a new mansion.

   sprung after seeing a girl walk in with an itty bitty waist and put a round thing in his face.

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.

   I had ADHD as a kid but they had a different name for it. They called it sit down and shut the h*ll up or get medicated with"the belt."

   Honestly, I have no idea what to do with 5 hours of energy.

   Deleting ppl from FB has become the new way to hang-up on ppl. I still miss the feeling I get from hanging-up the phone on someone face!!

   I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

   What does a fat musIim say? ALLAH SNACKBAR!

   eBay makes things so much more simple and quicker when your purchasing...

   Police in Sweden found drugs on Justin Bieber's bus. I'm sure it wasn't for him. It was for the rest of his crew who have to tolerate him.

   A part of me wants to go to the gym and the other part of me is a liar.

   Last time I did drugs I dated an All-In-One Printer for 3 days, so no thank you.