Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if dog’s had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

   Love doesn’t walk away, people do.

   If you’re in a relationship for sex it’s like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   Time to buy a new car, a bigger TV, a better cell phone and a faster laptop so I’ll finally be happy! (Repeat over and over until you die)

   I don’t know who invented Nutella, but I’m going to assume they went to Hogwart’s.

   Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.

   A lie everyone tells = “Hey! I just got your text!”

   Attractive person: Hey whats up? Me: Who paid you

   Every time you speak, I feel my brain cells committing suicide one by one.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   "Everyone’s middle name should be, motherfu%kin ...try it doesnt it sound so great"

   How are girls hard to understand? We like Taco Bell, Starbucks, cuddling, compliments, naps, disney movies, yoga pants,and shopping

   Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.

   Why yes, I will be getting drunk tonight! Thanks for asking!

   The problem with you is that you damn exist.

   Had she been a better entrepreneur, Sally would have sold blow jobs by the seashore.

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already

   Dallas Cowboys drafted one of the Duck Dynasty Brothers

   The Boston Bombers mom looks alot like the Wicked Witch in the Land of Oz movie to me....... Let's hope she doesn't have any flying monkeys.