Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May the 5th of vodka be with you

   Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...

   Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis

   It's disrespectful to refer to Cinco de Drinko as "Cinco de Mayo

   Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.

   Still don't understand why people say Happy Cinco de Mayo to us. It's not our independence so shut up!

   The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo

   Gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional Mexican way by doing some landscaping.

   Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...

   Thanks to the Chinese people and their stupid superstitious beliefs, our grandchildren are never going to see a live Rhino.

   Conversations that start with "Don't get mad" seldom end that way.

   Relationships are all about finding someone that notices all of your faults and reminds you about them daily.

   a lot of women stick their cell phone in their bra now days....i guess that makes it an "over the shoulder phone holder"

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   My dad carries pictures of me and my brother where his money used to be.

   Real men don't wear pink,,,,,,,,,,,they eat it.

   Psychology: the search for selfunderstanding through the study of others.

   Dear NBC Sports, the black jockey is from the Virgin Islands. Stop calling him an African American...