Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   can we now bring Casey Anthony to Arizona please, I like their system

   Poor Jodi Arias... If only she had a Heisman Trophy...

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   I need a break is the new I'd rather not ever speak with you again.

   my stomach growled and made the exact noise a dodgeball makes when bouncing off the fat kid.

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   Like-A-Good-Neighbor-Charles-Ramsey-Is-There... with SALSA MUSIC!!! ...and RIBS!!!!

   All day I've been getting calls from the number "1"... I finally answered it and NO ONE was there.

   I wish I could of been locked up in a basement for 10 years. I could of missed Jersey Shore and that whole Bieber Fever thing!!

   I had an Aquarium store once, It tanked though....

   Did you hear about the circus fire? It was In-Tents!!

   When two Egotists meet, it's always an I for an I

   I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I am over it now.

   Holy Water Recipe: Boil the "Hell" out of it!!

   It just dawned on me that Flo from the Progressive commercials is somebody's Aunt.....

   Lady, your thighs need a divorce.

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

   The TV remote, the G-spot and black dads. Some things are just made not to be found.

   If she starts screaming things you’d only hear in a Pitbul song during sex. You’re doing it right.

   Show me on this doll where the shower curtain touched you.