Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm at my most likable before you get to know me.

   I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can't any more. My phone battery just doesn't have the stamina any more.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   Need to get up early tomorrow so I've set my neighbor's leaf blower for 6 a.m.

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   Corrections its Every time I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys ✔extra phone battery and ✔Battery Charger

   Everytime I leave the house: ✔Phone ✔Wallet ✔Keys.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   My application to be a cop was denied. They said my 4 incher would initimadate the other cops.

   Dudes block their girl on twitter thinking she can't see his tweets. That profile with 3 tweets that just followed you, guess who that is.

   "Bae" means "before anything else" I always thought it was a ghetto word for "babe"

   If you don’t like something change it... if you can’t change it....post it on facebook, so I can "like it" and laugh

   "I love speaking for others" --- ventriloquists

   Let's turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

   Dang,,, I really respect an effective slow clap

   My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.

   What's up with all of these commercials about a reptile dysfunction? These elderly fellows should worry about their own health first...

   Balloons are so weird. It's like, "Happy Birthday! Here's a plastic bag full of my breath.... enjoy."