Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever caught a robber in my house looking for money, I'd start laughing and start searching with him.

   If you're a man and in a relationship with a woman, life can get very confusing approximately every 28 days.

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   My middle finger seems to get more exercise on Monday than any other day of the week.

   I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and the forecast for today is ceilings

   You got to live life on both sides of the coin, you never know which side its going to land on

   i should change my name to "period"....all the women seem to hate me

   Subway uses the slogan "eat fresh"...it makes me wonder if the other restaurants are fresh too because they don't say they are

   We all hate things in others which is already in us.

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   Nothing ruins a good porn like a malnourished donkey

   Sorry Monday...I'm just not that into you.

   If you could choose between world peace or Bill Gates Money.......what color would your Maserati be?

   What is the job application at Hooters like? Do they give you a bra and say "Here. Fill this out."?

   It's not the snooze that gets me up, it's the shame of the 5th time..

   They're gearing us up for a race war. Don't play into it, Americans....

   How many Oreos is too many?,,,,,,, Is it 25?,,,,,,,,,,, I feel like it should be more than 25

   IKEA now designs temporary houses for refugees which is weird because I thought they already did that.

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   Ego ; your total erroneous ideas about yourself.