Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

   If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

   I've decided that I'm an ass man. Don't get me wrong, horses are beautiful. They just dont have the majestic aura of the donkey.

   I suggested we use some knots during sex. My wife agreed. She chose “not tonight.”

   it too late for Justin Bieber's mom to have an abortion?

   My neighbour does a lot of digging in his yard. I think he may be a serial killer. Excuse me guys, I'm going to give him my Karma list.

   "It's not you, it's me." -Twins looking at some family photos

   To the person who affixed the word coffee to the word cake, thereby justifying the eating of cake for breakfast....I salute you unnamed hero of the unhealthy

   Women, can't live with them, can't live without them. Might as well suffer and live with them.

   Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army

   Dr. Seuss could have been the greatest rapper ever.

   I don't understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He's better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here.

   Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?

   12 years of school and I'm still not sure if it's “grey” or “gray”

   I didn't do it, that is why it didn't get done. :)

   If you mix LSD with Advil your headache rides away on a dragon.

   With a infinite amount of information at their fingertips, why are there so many stupid people in the world?

   I've started a new thing, post your password on my wall in case you forget it!! (Yeah, I got your back :-D)

   You're missing the point....and quite possibly a chromosome.

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??