Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Simon Cowell is worse than cow dung and dog vomit combined.

   Seriously considering building an ark tomorrow, but screw the spiders, they're on their own this time....

   Given the choice between a woman and a beer, always choose the woman with a beer.

   I just learned that a "tear jerker" is not giving a hand job while crying.

   The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

   Heat, pressure and time: three things that make a diamond.....also make a waffle.

   My last words on death row will be "Thank you."

   I want a restraining order against every spiders.

   The only difference between sex and breakfast is sometimes I don't want breakfast.

   I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don't really understand kites or insults.

   Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.

   Ladies; You know, if you drink enough wine you don't even notice the spiders.

   A good way to get your wife to listen to you is to talk to another woman.

   Love is being someone's favorite confusion.

   I get lots of pu$$y in my minivan. Maybe you're just driving yours wrong.

   I don't pave the way for anybody. I pave the way for my damn self.

   Seriously guys, if you want a woman to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you guys need to learn to a save a tree and eat a beaver.

   I hate when I wake up alone, naked with a kitty stamp in my hand.

   If you call your son Kenneth then you have only yourself to blame if he still lives with you when he's 45

   and he invented man and everything in heaven and earth... except contraception, and dinosaurs, and gáys.