Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What horrible thing did you do to deserve someone like me?

   Some people wait their entire life for their status to be "liked"..not realizing that it has been p0sted a million times before..

   The waitress just called me honey, then she went over to another table and called that dude honey also. Welp, there goes her tip

   I used to flip a "lucky" around in my cigarette pack. Until I realized it's the only cigarette I get drunk and light backwards.

   if she swollows, is that canabalism?

   The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...

   Some people wait their entire life for their ship to come in..not realizing that they are standing in an airport...

   I ain't cheap. I am just broke.

   Preseason football is like watching the JV basketball team play before the Varsity.

   Wonders if Johnny Manziel realized when he signed up to be an Aggie that A&M stands for Agricultural & Mechanical, Not Autographs & Money.

   I qonder if Shamu and Orca get jealous of Shark week

   When are liquor stores going to get in on the Groupon game

   Thanks to A-Rod, the Anthony Weiner scandal has kinda petered out.

   There's nothing worse than getting crop dusted by the gay guy at work on a Monday morning...

   Tonight is "National night out" and i'm home spending it with a bunch of Sharks :(

   how do germans tie their shoes in little nazis

   In New Mexico a man was arrested for buying a woman food so that she would have sex with hom. The man has been charged with Dating.

   Shout out to old people for graduating high school without Google.

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   Weiner tells A-Rod to Stick it out.