Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can't run away..."

   The worst part about reggae music is that when they aren’t singing about weed they are singing about how it’s okay to be poor.

   JAMES ON FACEBOOK: The fact that your girlfriend lets you have sex with her isn't enough reason for you to hold her handbag.

   Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...

   I don't feel sorry for fat people. No one woke up one day fat. It takes a lot of being lazy and plenty of nothing to do.

   With 7 billion people in the world now, telling a girl she’s one in a million doesn’t cut it anymore as it just means you have 999 other options.

   If Joseph was black. Mary: I’m pregnant… Joseph: It’s not mine. Mary: That’s what I’m trying to tell you.

   Women should date zombies. Those things would want them for their brains and not their bodies.

   I wonder where women without thigh gaps put their hands when it’s really cold.

   Scientists, less of that new technology stuff and more of making a device that stops women from asking you questions during the game.

   The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth............... Steve Buscemi

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

   Life and I have creative differences.

   People can throw away the times and memories spent together as if they meant nothing. That right there is why you shouldn't trust

   Trust me you won't like me when I am hungry.

   The only kind of shark I have actually encountered wears a cheap suit and hangs around court buildings.

   I keep having this reoccurring nightmare where I wake up in the morning and have to go to work.

   Human beings used to do some crazy things before the Facebook. For example, they used to go outside and meet people.

   Men who say ''woman belong in the kitchen'', don't know what to do with them in the bedroom..!

   How disappointing! I've been hearing all month about 'Shart' week coming up on the discovery channel and it turns out it's nothing but a movie about a bunch of stupid fish ツ