Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies; The only way I am taking you on a $500 date is if you bring $475 along with you.

   If a chick gives you head with no hands it's cuz she is going for your wallet

   Women use men for free food and get mad when we use them for sex.

   I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

   Religion in the head of a fool can be a dangerous thing.

   Childbirth. The most beautiful thing in the world… Being destroyed by a baby.

   If you find me sharing your status updates, chances are I'm doing it sprawled out naked on a leopard print rug while listening to The Flame by Cheap Trick.

   Just replied to an ad offering me hot sex with an older woman. Should be interesting. I am 86.

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

   My wife was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder… And, just my luck, not one of them likes sucking còk.

   So you're Chinese? "Japanese" Sorry..& what a cute litte girl.. "Boy" Oh a boy. Of course.. And I like your pet croc.. "Alligator" I should go..

   Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

   No matter how loud you crank the bass, it's still a minivan.

   Talk is cheap. Unless your a rap artist...

   Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?

   I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant. I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

   So Rihanna is in a new movie playing an assassin.. If anyone knows something about being a hit woman, it's Rihanna.

   BAM!!! Another Day Not In The Obits!!!