Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.

   I have horrible gaydar. When I saw a couple of guys making out, I thought they were just excited for the start of the NFL season.

   There are two kinds of people in the world- those I'd catch during a trust fall and those I wouldn't.

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   I been putting a lot of thought into it and I just don't think being an adult is gonna work for me.

   I just spilled ranch dressing on my keyboard then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

   I am kind enough to forgive but not stupid enough to forget.

   Those who stir the sh*t-pot should be made to lick the spoon!

   Okay whoever has a voodoo doll of me and making me write this sentimental and inspirational sh*t, stop it now!

   Sometimes I don't know what I'd do w/o Netflix on nights I don't go out to the bars and party.... probably go out to the bars and party."

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   gang related violence has went up 50 percent in my house since I took the kids play station from them

   My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.

   SIGN: *jesus recycling shoes*....... "What are you doing there Jesus?"... "Oh, you know, just,,, Saving soles."...

   Considering their thousand-year old dirty little secret, I wonder if the Vatican gets Amber alerts?

   After all these years together my wife and I have finally reach the S & M phase of our relationship,,,,,,,,,She Sleeps while I Masturbate.

   if men could have multiple 0rgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.

   Faldo..go eat a snickers. yyou're stupid when you're hungry.

   Today was somewhat embarrassing. It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned.

   M L B suspended A-Rod, proving that cheaters never prosper. They just get $350M and a World Series ring while boning models.