Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember kids, never ever buy meth from a person with a full set of teeth. He is obviously an undercover cop.

   If you can't be with the one you drugged, drug the one you're with.

   If you love something let it go. Great, now it's gone. Why did you do that? You loved that thing you idiot.

   If I had a dollar for every time I used a phrase incorrectly, then you don't deserve me at my best.

   What if they made a Kindle that doesn't run out of battery? Like, a book.

   Ladies call me Adobe Updater because every time I pop up they're like ugh not now

   My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.

   Hey ladies, a reminder that anyone with a single brain cell knows that being skinny has absolutely nothing to do with being pretty.

   Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.

   If you don't want me to sing at your kids then don't name them Roxanne.

   I'm a male so my hobbies include not listening when you talk to me and consistently forgetting birthdays and anniversaries.

   Nothing's a bigger turn off than a chick who pretends to be a sports fan. You either are or you aren't. Leave it be.

   I'd drink a lot less alcohol if a lot less alcohol got me drunk.

   Screw foreplay. I start sex the way a SWAT team kicks down a door.

   Ladies; Somewhere there's some weirdo rubbing his stinky nuts on your selfies.

   How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.

   Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

   Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?

   would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on I have this urge to rip my tv off the wall and throw it out the window and then run outside and set it on fire?

   My boss told me that if I can't show up sober then don't bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!