Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   My wife texted me this morning at work asking me to 'Do her tonight.' I'm not looking forward to it though as I'm bloody useless at impressions.....

   "Seriously, do I need a breaking news update on my phone about Kim and Kanye's kid pic that was shown for the first time today? God bless them all, but England's new baby heir to the throne pics were the best of all time!"--- Taylor Swift.

   I've been hearing how nowadays 16 and 17 year old couples be spending the night at each other house. I'm not sure how y'all parents are but mine didn't play that sh*t.

   in Ben Affleck's version of Batman. Bruce Wayne's parents kill themselves

   Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she’d stood him up.

   OK. I can understand why you are mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Hey Carl, know what day it is? It's Friday. Woot woot. Suck it Carl.

   I am.... 'My 1st car had an ashtray'... years old.

   Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbor's 3 year old, through the mail slot.

   Yes,,, The bathrooms by the pool are a nice touch but completely unnecessary.

   It is bit unsettling how these ads on FB target you. Saw one today that said something like this: "Young, hot women looking for over 50 guys that are under 5"8" with symptoms of ADHD!" Sign up today!!"

   Had some dear friends come to me questioning my morels... I'll come clean... I really don't know what kind of mushrooms these are...

   If you can't prove it, I didn't do it. Unless you liked it.

   Friday is like the bacon of the work week salad, and yes, Monday is like the brown lettuce

   So you go to college to get a job so you can have a job to pay for college. Then you spend all your time at work and end up with no time to live the life you're working for....Ok...interesting plan.

   Being gay is the ONLY sin people focus on. Cursing? Sin. Sex before marriage? Sin. Sins are sins. Y'all too judgmental. that's also a sin.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck is cast as the next Batman, while Bradley ("Chelsea") Manning may appear in the next eX-man movie.

   I make money, to make money

   I married the Stevie Wonder of interior decorating.