Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Let me put you in a better mood" - vodka

   Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.

   Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.

   "Doc, I feel grouchy and my head turns 360 degrees."... "Hmm,, Sounds like Irritable owl syndrome".. Doc prescribes a Tootsie pop...

   *An Icelandic cop knocks on a door* "Mrs Jónson? There's no easy way to say this..... Your husband fell into the volcano Eyjafjallajökull."

   it just me or does the new pitch-man in the Vonage commercials look like a crazy Irish homeless caveman??

   I want you all to know that this will be my last joke on here because I am going to die at midnight tonight as a result of not forwarding chain mail.

   Bored at work? Put some habanero hot sauce in the office ketchup bottle. Still bored? Pour it in the office coffee pot.

   I am Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad.

   Wanna come over and watch porn on my 72 inch flat screen mirror?

   Her: "Do I look, like, fat?" Brain: no, no, no, no Brain: Of course not. Brain: Say SOMETHING. Mouth: "Like a fat what?" Brain: Oh dear God

   Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster

   Thinking that girl was special, then you realized that she's like that with everyone.

   I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It's fun."

   My coworker sent me an email that said "Meat me in the breakroom." I thought it was a typo until I saw her standing there naked.

   If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.

   When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

   One day, the fridge will take revenge on me,.. Every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes and then walk away.

   I'm the funniest person I know. I've got to meet more people.