Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you're going to jail.

   Since Jesus's birthday and Christmas are on the same day this year I'm only giving him one present.

   God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...

   I would say at least 3% of my life has been spent talking to dogs that are in other people's cars.

   Putting your finger against someone's lips and saying "Shhhh.... Not another word." is super romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   Well technically,,, Every burger a bulimic girl eats is an In-N-Out burger.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   Wow it's hot outside....I was only out there for 10 minutes and I was wetter than Kim Kardashian at the BET Awards...

   To show your new GF how classy you are when visiting her parents for the first time, ask for some matches before heading to the bathroom…

   I'll bet the YMCA song is really hard to do in Chinese.

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure winter, fall asleep, and controll my high blood pressure

   BREAKING NEWS: Over 30 people feared soothed in Yankee Candle fire.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   "I make six figures just about every year"-..................... In my unsuccessful mannequin business

   Some people don't like pizza or bacon, those people are called terrorists.

   I bet sex is great when I'm not the only one in the room.

   My apartment looks like a tornado sat around all day and watched TV.