Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A real girlfriend loves & understands you, cares for you, accuses you of things you didn't do & tells you who you should be friends with.

   100% of the people who got to apply algebra in their lives are now algebra teachers.

   Statistics show that 50% of people get tattoes solely for the purpose of diverting attention from their ugliness.

   You. Me. Handcuffs. Whipped Cream. NOW!

   I bet fish have a lot of arguments about what's causing the land to lower.

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   Will Obamacare cover my coffee expenses since it is a medical necessity?

   If this picture of me running a red light is going to cost me $350, they coulda added a dragon and put it in a pirate ship frame.

   Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"

   Cartwheels?...... In this economy?

   whatever you say there's bound to be someone who gets offended

   I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore ppornographyy.

   Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)

   Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!

   Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”.

   Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

   On arrrr Talk Like a Pirate Day, ye should take a moment to remember being in Davy's grip during the big rat scurvy epidemic.

   Want to make friends at a new job? When going to the bathroom, choose the urinal next to someone and strike up a conversation. Be sure to compliment their stance and form.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.