Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend wears the pants in our relationship...I just take them off of her.

   Just watched a twerk video that made me wish I was Stevie Wonder.

   With great power comes no accountability.

   Sooner or later I’m going to sleep with the wrong woman and wind up dead…or worse married.

   Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.

   Face down, a$$ up. That's how I tie my shoes.

   I only log in my Facebook page to not forget my password.

   After what happened in the Kenyan mall I have no doubt now that Islam is a religion of pigs and muhammed was a fagggot

   People that are against smoking pot are the ones that need it the most..

   If your drug dealer is always on time, he's a cop

   Why do chicks say that they can count the number of dudes they been with on one hand?? B*tch you ain't got 20 fingers on one hand..

   I'm hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.

   The wife put dishwasher tablets on the shopping list. Damn, if I'd known that's what it took I'd bought her the pills sooner

   A lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets is impossible. The good freaks wouldn't limit it to a bed. I'll take the freak everywhere

   Tell me what else annoys you and I'll do that too.

   Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.

   How come a regular order of fries is now about 6 potatoes but a ketchup packet still only holds 1/100oz??

   I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.

   It's Google's 15th birthday today. Typical fifteen year old. It's got an answer for everything.

   Taking a deep breath and counting to ten helps me not do that, if you're wondering.. that's the same thing meatloaf won't do. . .