Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CNN Breaking news: Grand Canyon is closed, please don't look if you are driving or flying through.....

   "okay okay...I'm up" - Green Day

   Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....

   With the gov't shutdown, who will protect our borders? Asking for an amigo...

   Inner beauty is just code for when we go out you're buying your own drinks.

   October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.

   Adam and Eve had two kids, both boys. But there were new babies born after. This story is in the same book that claims incest is wrong.

   God I hate Democrats!

   Dog owner tip: Never entrust your dog to watch your food for you.

   If you have a recycling bin full of cans with holes from a 22. Then sure, we can be friends

   I call "dibs" again this year for "Tanning Mom" as a Halloween costume.

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   Don't grow up... It's a trap, It's a trap. (read in Admiral Ackbar voice)

   You can't spell furloughed without f-u

   I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since the world ended in 2012.

   Republicans vs Democrats...ready...set...waste time!

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.

   Each year, hundreds of trees grow because squirrels forget where they buried their food.

   Wished I loved anything as much as my dog loves smelling human crouches.

   My wife wants me to make her scream in the bedroom. The 32 lego pieces & 6 upturned plugs, I've strategically placed, should do the trick.