Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It seems so much later then it actually is.....

   I made this status nice and short so you can just move onto the next one.

   Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.

   I've created a shoe made out of Lego, so when you step on Lego it doesn't hurt. You just get taller.

   My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.

   I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.

   I've just brushed my teeth and found some bacon. My luck is changing for the better

   50 Cent, or as he's called in the U.K, approximately 29p ...

   You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

   Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you're dying to be hurt so badly, I've got a baseball bat for that.

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   What if you just started licking the dentists fingers while they were in your mouth...

   So UM versus FSU game is on tonight....who cares...Im still rooting for the Referee and there stupid calls!! Team Referee...REFs 31 stupid calls to 3 right calls!

   pumpkin for sale, slightly used

   Don't forget to Spring ahead this Sunday!

   everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you

   BREAKING NEWS: North Korea shoots sky...... Misses.

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   I really miss my younger days because I was a lot less closer to death.

   Fellas, when she babbles on passionately about nothing, pay attention as closely as if she were stark naked, and soon, she just might be.