Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.

   When a man dies, God asks his angels; "Was he married? If the answer is "Yes" God says, 'Take him straight to heaven he's already been through enough hell"

   I have psychic powers...I knew you would read this.

   Kills me that people act as if these people(celebrities) are someone they knew personally...?

   Didn't know Paul Walker starred in the new "Catching Fire" movie..

   I'm furious at how fast people jokkke about celebrity deaths on the internet.

   Looks like the driver owes Walker a 10 second car now

   A Bieber should've been in that car instead of a Walker.

   ironic he died in a car accident with the last name Walker

   "Insecure ass women cant accept any guybeing more successful than they are andanger is the shield..."

   You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!

   Why couldn't it have been Paul Wall? No one wants to see HIS grill.

   Whenever I'm boarding a plane, I have to constantly fight the urge to yell out "It's OK, I'm a limo driver!" and then sprint down the tunnell.

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   Saaay, there's that turkey. #bowlwinder

   Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

   After my recent blind taste test, I was arrested and put in a mental institution for eating blind people.

   I call it a date, you call it the reason we're meeting in court.

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   I was going to go for a run this morning. Then I remembered I don't run so I put some whiskey in my coffee and sat back down.