Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone in Detroit with muscles think you can help me unscrew this part in my car? I've been at it for like 20 minutes and it won't budge

   Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I'm calling Santa!"

   Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.

   The following statement is true: the previous statement is false.

   "Toats Mcgoats!!!!!"

   I'm not trying to bring sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that's had "insufficient funds".

   Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I've been today that's had "insufficient funds".

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...

   I can't believe they let people own guns. Public toilets are all the proof we need that humans have horrible aim

   I'm disgusted when I see an old man with a younger woman. Or a younger man with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person really.

   The "thank you wave" you receive after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is the only thing holding this fragile society together

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   People on Facebook do realize that dead people can't read their RIP shout outs, right?

   What you see is what you get with me. Unless you see my snacks.

   Every pair of panties can be a thong if your ass is hungry enough.

   My Saturday was going pretty well until I realised it was Monday.

   People that like to put their two cents in, make sure you have enough to spare first!

   it is such a big shame how some Americans derive joy out of others pain, RIP Paul walker and may your family have the strength to move on

   Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.