Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do people disect every word a pro athlete says? I'm pretty sure none of them are Rhode's Scholars...

   the motion detector in my bedroom is turned on and it never goes off.

   In a couple year I'm going to be one of those senior citizens that bites and urinates on people, I already do one of them....

   When the kids are bad this time of year, I tell them I just burned one of their presents. If they're really bad, I say it was the puppy.

   If you don't think it gets lonely at the North Pole, take into consideration that Santa named one of his reindeer 'Vixen'.

   Our first child came at the end of the month so we named him Bill.

   If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.

   It's pretty presumptuous of lonely single women to just assume that a cat is going to want to be stuck with them forever don't you think?

   Either legalize weed or illegalize feelings

   Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.

   I see you have all behaved well during this year and for your present, Justin Bieber is going to retire from singing. - Yours Santa

   We're sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".

   My wife likes it when I call her during the day just say hi so I'm face-timing her from the mens room!

   I bet men with "Chest!cles" really hate singing ♪♫ "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."♪♫

   I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!

   9 out of 10 Status Updates sound more official if you simply add the phrase "9 out of 10".

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   A lot of people say they won't play the lottery unless it gets above $100 million. I guess $50 million isn't worth their trouble.

   Happy Friday Everyone!!! Hope you all have an awesome weeken... never mind

   There's a motion detector in my bedroom. It never goes off.