Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with really bad attitudes should move to Colorado and Be Happy And Worry!

   If I get their attention negative or positive I accomplished my intent...

   Well I'm planning to do something tomorrow, as long as I have totally finished doing nothing from today. I really like being completely done with nothing which really says something about my dedication to nothing.

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears just signed a "No Super Bowl for seven more years" contract today

   if you sling enough poop against the wall, eventually some will stick...Lil-David, snotty, stoner dudee and a few others...

   Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"

   WORK THIS WEEK??? - My MIND TELLING me NOOOOOoooo!!!, but my wallet telling me...dude You need more alcohol!!

   Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.

   Anyone have any spare donkey meat? My local wal mart is out...

   Why did the kid drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus.

   Colorado has now legalized pot for retail sales?....I can't wait to see the t.v. comercials for that product. A "dude" comes on t.v. saying things like. "do you have trouble sleeping 18-20 hours a day" or "are cartoons not as funny now as they were when y

   My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, hey who is your hot friend.

   Real friends get treated like family. Fake friends get treated like a plague.

   I'm still mad at you for saying I hold grudges.

   Oprah has been engaged to her boyfriend Stedman for 20 years and my girlfriend complaining its only been seven years since we got engaged.

   Do you think retailers in Colorado have seen an increase in the sales of Easy Bake ovens and Brownie mix?

   Marijuana is now legal in Colorado. I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the term Rocky Mountain High.

   RIP Uncle Phil (James Avery) you were the Prince of Bel Air!

   Milk Milk Lemonade, 'Round The Corner, Fudge Is Made