Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not h0m0ph0bic, I love my house!

   I would love to send so many people on One-way trip to Mars.

   Live in the moment. Unless the moment sucks. Then live on Facebook.

   Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??

   I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.

   Welcome to camouflage club. I can see clearly that we have a big turnout this week, which is very disappointing.

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   Hey we snowed in today, break out the corny jokees

   Horton hears much better after his visit to the otolaryngologist,,, Though he could have done without the "big ears" comment.

   Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

   It's been 25 years and they still aren't sure who framed Roger Rabbit. My alibi is Airtight!

   Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.

   Just drove by an Asian restaurant - Wok n' Roll - well played Chinese people. So crever

   I can always tell who hates their spouse by how much they post about loving their spouse...

   How to lose an argument with a woman. 1) Argue

   Thanks to 0bamacare, Americans can expect to earn six figure salaries in 2014. Okay, six figures if you count the decimal point, the zeroes that follow the decimal point, and the dollar sign.

   I got eight inches last night. The snow was pretty deep too.

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   Why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? Because 711492!!

   The opinion of one is the opinion of all........