Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember last week when I said I couldn’t wait for all the Christmas candy to be gone? Well, I lied…

   I'm impressed with how much passive aggression a woman can pack into the letter "k."

   I cut my thunb and am texting with my index finger. Can I get one of those special license plates?

   I'm not really interested in a one-night stand. An hour, two tops, will suffice.

   The Polar Vortex was caused by my wife's feet.

   Just because I'm not in a good mood doesn't mean I don't want sex

   My motto is: I can stay awake when I'm dead.

   Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...

   He north, stfu about the cold! You never hear the south complain about the hea.....nvm carry on

   When you have a wife who can’t cook, Tupperware is just the waiting room for the trash can.

   ...it's so cold out, I just Googled, "how to induce menopause"...

   All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.

   Put your pants back on; you're my accountant not my dentist

   You can't borrow my phone because you might go through my contacts and see what I really call you.

   How can I lose weight if the best part of my day is based on food?

   If incest is good enough for the royal family, then it's good enough for mine. - Rednecks

   It's so cld we had to chop up the piano for firewood. And the sad thing is, we only got two chords.

   It's so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   Next time Rodman visits his friend KIM in North Korea, just don't let him back into USA. Problem solved.

   The truth is the enemy of the fruit section. The fruit section can't handle the truth that their g @y behaviour and lifestyle is abnormal.