Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People talking without speaking, People hearing without listening" Did Simon and Garfunkel predict the internet??

   My liver is so black it goes to church on Sunday for 6 hours.

   The more complicated the coffee order the more complicated the person.

   You think you know someone and then one day you visit them and find out they put bread in their fridge :(

   The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need somewhere else to hang my clothes.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Based on how I react when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

   We need to start naming hurricanes after rappers. People might evacuate quicker if they know hurricane Ghostface Killah is coming.

   I'm just a regular guy, I boil my spaghetti one noodle at a time.

   It's so cold you'd rather listen to Bieber than walk outside

   It's so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball

   If movies have taught me anything it's that all car chases eventually lead through a fruit stand.

   wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?

   Why the hell is a group of Kangaroos NOT called a Kangacrew?

   Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.

   Anti-smoking efforts have saved 8 million lives. No wonder traffic sucks!

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.

   Velveeta Cheesocalypse...Why weren't we prepared?

   It's colder outside than two ex-wives.