Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have feelings for me, that's your problem not mine.

   While chasing flies in my kitchen with a fly swatter, I have come to realise that some flies are more clever than some humans I know.

   If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

   I was in a bar when a girl called me a cheapskate. So I threw her drink in her face.

   Nothing turns me on more than a pic of your boobs with your wedding ring hand holding up your shirt.

   Your wedding day will be the last time you agree on anything. When you both say "I do".

   I would punch your personality if it was possible. But your face will do.

   A girl in yoga pants not talking on the phone. Hope she's ok.

   Wanted to take the trash out tonight but she said she wasn't feeling well.

   I hate it when people call me sexist. Some of my closest friends belong in the kitchen.

   I need to make some new Haters, the old ones are starting to like me!

   Sometimes a status I have worked so hard on goes unnoticed and unliked. So I get it women who spent two hours getting ready and your boyfriend doesn’t even notice.

   The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I'm writing this status from inside his trunk.

   Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life's problems

   Throat grabbing is one of my signature moves. Although this chic taking my order at McDonald's right now doesn't seem all that into it.

   happy 2 month anniversary to my 29 open browser tabs!

   Why does Ellen DeGeneres like dressing like Mr. Rogers?

   Pro tip: when you wake up, reach for your GF's boobs before reaching for your phone to check your Facebook. Women love that.