Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...

   Feeling ugly? Go chill in Walmart for 2 hours. You'll feel a lot better.

   Testing shows that people in the USA know less about geography than England, Japan and like 100 other countries I've never heard of.

   Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?

   That One Direction tour bus must be a living hell when they get their periods at the same time.

   Oven mitts and rubber gloves are thegloves that females wear in their respectedsports

   Christie blocks a bridge in New Jersey... The Super Bowl is in New Jersey... A nation wide velveeta shortage for the Super Bowl.... GOVERNMET CONSPIRACIES ARE REAL!

   Did you ever notice how everything in life just keeps shrinking? Even in the Hip-Hop world. It used to be 'Biggie Smalls, Big Pun, Fat Joe. Then it was lil jon, lil kim, liil wayne. 15yrs from now its gonig to be, 1PAC, BalemicBob, AtomMike, SpermSpewed!

   People, I'm late for everything!!! I would make the worst period.

   "Didn't realize their was alot of great looking women around here!" - Me hanging out at traffic school1

   Seems like Lakers are doing so bad, that they missing their flu shots too!

   Well the pilots of Southwest Airlines claiming Gov Christ Christie close the Rnuway, so they aint no where to go!

   Tonight on ABC World Wide: Police raid Biebers house, find whole slew of drugs, but no talent...

   Dear whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office – I will track you down. You have my Word.

   Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn't just painted on.

   No, no....when I Poked you on facebook, it wasn't a friendly tap on the shoulder. It was thinly veiled suggestion for my wanting to f**k your brains out.

   So I informed the flight attendant that I was looking to join the Mile High Club and she said she didn't give a flying f**k.