Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't worry about the weather. Things will warm up after all the hot air from the State of the Union speech.

   "I'm kind of hoping they raise minimum wage. Maybe when I punch my order in on the touch screen at McDonald's myself they will finally get my order right."

   Barack Obama's best bet tonight is to just run into the room, strongly high-five as many people as he can and then run out...because...I'm pretty sure we know what the state of our union is.

   Everyone's all, 'OMG! Snow!', and I'm just over here like, 'Hey, tonight Obama is going to officially announce that he's going to overtly rule by decree.'

   So ladies, that figure of speech he takes your breath away or is it how he holds you by the neck in the heat of passion. . .

   Im a grown man and I just put a bread tie back on! What does that mean!!?

   I just got a great deal on a dairy cow. It's lactose intolerant.

   Someone stole my wife's credit card but I'm not reporting it because they're spending a lot less than she does.

   my phone says it still isn't snowing. Has anyone checked outside?

   “Ever tried to push a piece of wood underwater?” - Mary telling her girlfriends about how she washes Jesus.

   anyone else suck on a POLO mint as long as you can without breaking the circle? and then feel gutted when you do?

   Be careful when you're thmoking a metal bowl in thub thero temperaturths.

   At least it wasn't PITBULL who won the RAP ALBUM award.

   You want to talk to me about the Grammy's? Oh I'm sorry, you must have confused me with some sheep who give a ¢r@p about celebrities.

   I wonder if Pink's carpet matches the name.

   You're right, vodka. This IS the perfect time to use a hammer.

   Who knew Justin Bieber was old enough to have an expired license? Also, he blew .014 caused by too many gummi bears.

   So, you're telling me that the Grammys aren't cute little bags of cocaine?

   The best part of the Grammys is not watching them.

   I pondered the meaning of life once, but then I just went back to living it.