Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I'm going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   Offering chewing gums to kids whose parents can't control them

   It's like these fools at the gym have never seen a girl with roller skates on the treadmill before.

   When starting a new relationship it's important to remember that someone already screwed them up for you.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a freak.

   Nothing worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time in your life.

   Why are flies always rubbing their hands together? What are you up to? ANSWER ME INSECT

   I've always been doubtful of girl cashiers' s-anity in shops. Some Inva-der poor opp-ortunist ra-ts!

   The worst part of getting your Smart Car Tipped is probably trying to win enough Chuck E. Cheese tickets to get another one.....

   Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?

   Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   🎶Sweet dreams are made of cheese/ Who am I to diss a Brie/ Cheddar the world and the Feta Cheese/ Ev'rybody's lookin for Stilton🎶

   PRO TIP: The easiest way to kill off mice in your house is to leave tiny motorcycles everywhere but no helmets.

   Single moms be like, "yo daddy was on the plane!"

   My dog said "woof" so I said "woof" & now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.

   Note to self: If you come home after work and your wife greets you saying she got a massive pay raise from her boss at work, remember to not kiss her on the lips.

   I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"