Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 minutes into America's Got Talent and I learned we don't have talent, we have a bunch of delusional idiots that don't want real jobs.

   My son asked me the other day what an anecdote is. I sat him down, looked into his eyes, and told him I could not think of an example.

   Women are supposed to be like butterflies. Beautiful and hard to catch but most of y'all are like mosquitoes, annoying and easy to smash.

   You can't fix stupid.... You can however,,, interview it on the news when you need a good eyewitness.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   Apparently it's frowned upon to moan when getting a pedicure. Related: Sorry, Ming, it was awkward for me too. But damn, you rub me good!

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it

   I love my UPS guy. He's a drug dealer and doesn't even know it.

   The way to a man's heart is through the kitchen.

   I hate it when a woman asks, "Guess what today is?"

   Now that presidential spokesman Jay Carney is no longer a government employee, I am expecting him to rush right out and sign up for ObamaCare.

   If by eating pizza, tacos and waffles in a single sitting then yes I've had a threesome before.

   You new folks. All the funny sh*t's already been taken. There's a sale on the Inspirational Quotes floor. No one seems to want that sh*t.

   I’ll keep texting you after you “yup” me. IDGAF.

   If my car gets stolen, can my wife be in it? Asking for a break.

   After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.

   I judge you by your coffee. Skinny soy latte with hazelhut. Wears stockings under his pants.

   Getting ignored by even the old ugly women at work- your life sucks.

   Why do I stare at your b00bs? Have you seen your face?

   Married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!