Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   who needs people when you got pizza

   If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

   Anyone know if there is an Angie's List or Better Business Bureau or someplace to file a complaint on a Hooker?.... (Asking for a Friend)...

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   Oh my bad, I thought this was a site where things were suppose to be funny and NOT express your religious beliefs.

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Cuddling is all fun and games until somebody pitches a tent..

   It's depressing how many people don't realize that a terrorist group is a group of people and not an entire nationality.

   Just explaining to my kids how Annie used to be white when I was their age

   I used to play in a band. now I just play with myself

   Most wolf attacks are triggered because they saw someone with a selfie stick.

   Still haven't taken down the Christmas tree. Screw it. We now have a Super Bowl tree.

   Gary Busey just kind of nonchalantly eating a tennis ball as a car salesman finishes up the paperwork... He thinks he's buying a hat.

   "To be is to do" - Socrates... "To do is to be" - Nietzsche... "Do be do be do" - Sinatra... "Beep beep beep" - R2D2...

   My fav iPhone 6 app,,,, Is actually still just "the telephone" one

   *Sarah McLachlan holding me in her lap.... For just a few "likes" a day,,, You can help a poor guy that's starving for attention

   Ugh,, There's a SPIDER in my toilet,,, And I don't even remember eating a spider...

   I thought Game of War was some kind of breast inhancement app. I was wrong.

   Today, for the first time in history - France did not surrender!! They actually fought!